my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
