ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Randomize
