i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Randomize
