I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
