my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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