I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
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