the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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