My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
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