walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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