my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
