I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
