I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
