I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
Randomize
