He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
Randomize
