We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
Randomize
