We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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