she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
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