She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
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