My hair reeks of homosexuality.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Randomize
