I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
Randomize
