Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
I need to sanitize my soul.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
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