Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
The way white people respond to them, you'd think Journey was the president of Caucasia.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
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