Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Randomize
