yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
