I cannot find my penis.
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
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