My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
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