Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Randomize
