Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Ketchup is God's man juice
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Never underestimate the power of titties
Randomize
