I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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