just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Randomize
