You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
people are starting to question the shark bite story
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
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