Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
