I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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