So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
