Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
