We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
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