tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
