I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Randomize
