there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
