so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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