i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
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