we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
I party with great urgency now.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
