he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Then you guys just all showered together...?
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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