Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
