did you know that the clit is basically just a tiny penis? Ya.. So just think about that next time you're down there.
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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