I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
Randomize