i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
Randomize
