Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Omg I joined a choir last night...
Randomize
