The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
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