Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
Randomize
