i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
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